Responsibility & Accountability

So much has happened in twenty-five years. There I was, young and stuck. Smart, intelligent, and way too clever.

All of those defined me. Yet, they also held me in place. Not only did I have those labels, I had other less positive labels that I allowed others to place upon me, and some that I placed upon myself based on how I thought others viewed me.

I was not in a healthy place and I was not a whole person. But when you're 20, who is?

I was young and I was in love. But I'd previously been hurt and I was also scared. So I didn't chase that love even though I desperately wanted to. Instead I crumpled.

But not for long. I was the type of person who just jumped into whatever the next thing was.

The next thing happened to be a handsome man.

There I was, young, in love (again) and also in pain. Again. Still.

My new love looked passed the pain and saw my vibrance. This allowed me to grow enough to change the destructive habits I'd started.

Unfortunately, my new love was also a broken person who was also in pain, and he had fewer communication skills than I did.

Pro tip: If you can't communicate effectively, don't get married yet!

When I look back at that time, I see so many red flags. It's easy to point out those flags and say, "Look what you did!!"

It feels good to lay the blame at someone else's feet, "There ya go, my lord, a nice little gift for ya to carry with you every where we go. What? No I shan't help carry that!"

It's easy to feel justified while in pain. It's obvious who needs to take accountability. Isn't it?

Well, kind of.

Yes, he needs to take accountability for his actions. But I can't allow myself to let go of my own accountability.

I saw the red flags, but I stayed. I saw the red flags, grabbed them, and carried them with me everywhere I went. They piled on top of me and I had no idea how to put them down. I didn't know how to stop accepting them.

With each flag someone hands us, we have a choice. We can either accept the flag and what it means, or we can refuse to take hold of it. The problem is when we accept one flag, it's easier to accept another, and another. Pretty soon you're carrying around so many flags you bow under the weight, each breath becomes harder and harder to bear, eventually you fall.

Yes, it's easy to point to the person who keeps handing the flags and say, "It's your fault!"

Blame maintains the status quo.

We remain stuck because we don't take accountability for accepting the flags. This is what I did. I accepted the flags. One after another. As long as I kept accepting them, they'd pile up. With each flag I carried, I also gave permission for those behaviours to continue.

Eventually the pain gets so bad that either you crumble, you lose yourself, your soul, and you fade away - or you refuse to accept another flag.

I eventually refused to accept another flag.

Ryan and I separated.

At first I still placed the blame with him. Even though we separated, I hadn't gotten to a place where I recognized my own actions that brought us here. Luckily I have good friends who listened to me whine and complain over and over again until I finally saw how my own actions lead me to where I am now.

Now I see how I gave permission, over and over again. Now I need to accept accountability for my actions and take responsibility to move forward with greater strength. Separation is only the first step in taking accountability for the past and being responsible for the future.

I'm not completely certain of how to do this, but as I figure things out, I want to share them with you. I hope you can accept my vulnerability with grace.

Ryan's responsibility is to decide whether he will continue to carry around his own red flags, drop them, or turn them into green flags.

I don't know what the future will hold. It's all kind of scary right now. But I feel strong enough to move forward with strength and discover who I am. Moving forward I want to only accept green flags from those I choose to love.