Perfectionism, Self-Sabotage, and Our Souls

Many religions have a belief in a trickster or devil that moves us away from the Light. To me, this concept has always felt a little 'off' to me - especially when framed in an eternal damnation framework. However, I do find this concept helpful in framing certain topics.

Our 'Adversary' wants us to move away from Light, away from connection, and away from living whole-heartedly. Whether you believe this is a separate entity, or whether this is a metaphor for the part of us that causes ourselves harm in our daily lives, it doesn't really matter. Personally I find the idea of personifying the concept actually helps me to make better choices.

Ancient peoples believed that we were made of many spirits, we had multiple parts of our souls. Some had as many as 7 parts to their souls - the old Norse had 4 parts. Over time we came to believe our souls were only 1 part, but we had spirits who accompanied us. Guardian angels were an apart of us, a genius visited us, we had protectors and guides - and we also had those who wished us harm. It was up to us to choose which liminal beings we listened to. It took consciousness and intentional listening in order to know the different voices guiding us along the way.

Western society, more and more, says we're on our own. There is no sky-hook coming to save us. There is no one to answer our prayers. We're alone. Utterly and completely alone. I believe this view has caused us a lot of harm. What's moved into the void left behind? Thoughts and prayers? Love and light? Those are empty, meaningless words that bring neither comfort, nor strength.

Self-Sabotage

I don't believe in self-sabotage. I know many people speak and write about all the ways in which we consciously do harm to ourselves - and to a certain extent I don't disagree that this is an issue.

What I disagree about is whether a person will [attempt to] sabotage themselves - or if they're protecting themselves from something that feels so much worse in the moment. Many people are unable to intentionally make a different choice without support - even if they know that their actions are causing themselves pain.

I don't believe in self-sabotage. I believe in fear, and pain, and loneliness. Those 3 things, either alone or combined, lead to us making choices that ultimately lead to even greater pain, greater fear, and greater loneliness. But the intent behind those actions is positive. Personifying self-sabotage as the Adversary can help us more clearly identify what actions appear helpful, but actually cause harm.

We want to help ourselves. We want to lessen the fear. We want to lessen the pain. And heaven knows we want to lessen the loneliness. We want to avoid vulnerability. Until, one day, we learn that the best relationships and the healthiest lives have vulnerability as a foundation.

"Oh you tricky, tricky devil. You tried to convince me to push others away in order to keep myself safe!! I know that doing that will lead to much more pain!"

We strive to protect ourselves from judgement or rejection, especially in areas related to personal definitions or values. We hope to protect ourselves by hiding behind perfectionism. We label our mistakes as blanket errors and hope that others accept our statement of fault enough that we don't have to unbury the pain. We hide under perfectionism in an effort to protect ourselves.

Of all the ways in which we might try to make things better, but actually make things worse, perfectionism is the one that causes the most damage.

Perfectionism

Perfectionism leads to us pushing others away:

1. If I can't do it alone, then I'm not good enough. You must let me do this on my own!
   
   Humans are not meant to be alone or to work alone. Despite what western society says, we're meant to live and work in communion with each other. Pushing others away protects us from needing to see our own imperfections. We're allowed to hide from living and growing. Doing so prevents the initial pain from getting worse. When we're alone, we may feel lonely, but we have fewer fears to face - at first.
   
   We don't need to know if others love us or find us worthy enough. We can run away and hide. We're safe from something that scares us worse than loneliness.
   
   Unfortunately, eventually, our efforts to hide our secret shames and fears lead to us piling more and more...dirt...onto our solitude, eventually the damage we cause to our relationships leads to everything crumbling around us.
   

2. Something went wrong. I am solely at fault!
   
   By taking full blame we actually prevent ourselves from taking proper accountability and we also prevent others from taking accountability. It's the easiest way to avoid looking at our actual mistakes.
   
   If, on the surface, we take full responsibility for something that went wrong, our brains will still know there were aspects of the situation that weren't our fault - and then our brains subtly absolve us of all fault. Because our brain knows we're lying, but it glosses over how. much we're lying. We get into an inner struggle with ourselves. it's all my fault vs none of it's my fault. It becomes harder and harder to see the reality of the situation that allows us to actually grow and do better.
   
   Taking full responsibility also means we refuse to allow someone else to take accountability for their own part in what went wrong. If we say it was all our fault, and someone else tries to disagree with us - to say they were also at fault - then we push back. Because them taking any responsibility means we need to look a bit more closely at our actions or words.
   
   If someone else takes full blame for something we know was partly our fault, we actually feel more upset and disconnected as a result. We don't feel seen and we don't feel heard when the other person says it's all their fault. It's a different form of blame - it always leads to disconnection.
   

3. I made a mistake and the whole thing is ruined!!
   
   This is another subtle way perfectionism protects us from vulnerability. Telling others that we think the whole thing sucks means we don't have to look too closely at what the actual problem is. We can gloss over the whole situation and throw the baby out with the bathwater.
   
   When someone says the whole thing is ruined, others usually step up to point out where things went well. Sometimes we really do just need a shift in perspective. Other times we end up shifting to say the whole thing is great. And we sometimes refuse to accept someone else's perspective at all.
   
   Anything other than accepting a nuanced view of the situation tends to push others away. We tend to not trust people who are unable to view their own mistakes in a balanced way.
   
   If we're honest with ourselves and notice what went well in a situation, then we're better able to see where we actually messed up - and better able to grow as a result of the situation. We grow closer to those who hear us talk about the problems and we're more likely to find solutions that allow us to diminish fear, inner pain, and loneliness.
   

What's That Got To Do With Our Souls?

Perfectionism pushes others away, but it also pushes us away from the inner most part of ourselves that strives to Become. We know when we mess up. We know when we aren't following our highest self. We know when we push others away in order to hide from vulnerability.

That vulnerability - whether hidden or shared - to me, is the difference from allowing Goddess/God/The Universe/Whatever/Whomever to see us fully, or hiding behind the proverbial fig leaves.

As long as we hide from the eyes of our higher self, then we're unable to truly know ourselves and unable to reach our highest potential. We're unable to Become who we're meant to be. Our souls seek to Become. It's up to us whether we create a life that embodies the experiences and the ways of living that allow our souls to fly across the heavens with us on their wings.

Conclusion

The more I struggle in life, the more I find comfort in the idea of Gods/Goddesses or other liminal beings who want to help and guide us. The more I look to them for guidance and answers, the more I find the answers within me. It doesn't really matter what anyone believes, as long as that belief is helping them grow, and be the kind of person they want to be.

Whether you like the idea of perfectionism and self-sabotage coming from an entity that wants to cause harm or whether you believe it comes from within you, I hope you find a way to let go so that you can embrace vulnerability. Through vulnerability you'll find deeper, more meaningful relationships. You'll also discover that you're so much more brilliant and wonderful than you ever imagined!